Of Snakes, and Cups, and Paintings.

When you were born .. You were a blank canvas .. With every possibility. You had all the traits and abilities … and then life began to teach you which ones to use.

Life is full of teachers. If we are ready to be taught …we will find them. We can learn what we are opened to learn. I love the story of the wise man trying to teach the student who always jumped in and had something to say. He handed him a full cup and asked whether he could add some water from his own cup and the student said no- his cup was already full.

Exactly.

So in order to learn or receive more we must first empty ourselves of what we have or think we know .. there must be room in our life to take in more. Often times that cycle is accomplished naturally by our life's circumstances - events and trials and tragedies … empty us that we might be filled. They break our heart.... that it might be opened up and readied …. Sometimes we get so caught in the pain we avoid the healing and miss the lesson.

Once you make the decision that you will learn .. you actually do. It can seem so very simple but that is the lesson .. Sometimes the simple things are the hardest to do because our mind, our intelligence, seeks to complicate and make difficult even the most basic of understandings. To me, that was the story behind the story of Moses holding up a snake on a stick when everyone was ill and complaining that God had forsaken them. God told Moses to do that and he did .. And he said to everyone …look at the snake and live. It was too simple, too easy .. .so some of them just didn't look … and they died. There are so many wonderful lesson stories out there amongst all religions and beliefs that illustrate life beautifully. Can we conceive of a possibility long enough to suspend what we think we know and consider that we may not know everything?

Life is such an individual journey in many ways. We sometimes confuse the sharing with others part. Our sharing should be the supporting one another in our own journeys … however we define that and wherever we are on the road of life … but we cannot define that journey for one another … we cannot fight the battles for others or judge situations between other people because even if we were there, we are not those people and we are not their relationship and experience. We pay attention to those we feel attracted to because they resonate things about ourselves and reflect to us those things that are light and we pay attention to those we feel most repelled by because they teach us about our inner darkness. Understanding that we are human, is the path to truth.

Many people reflect on their painting of themselves, etched and framed by their life's teaching and consider it finished, but even the masters painted over older painting and created new masterpieces. The bottom line is we are never finished, unless we decide we are. Everything you were born with .. all those possibilities .. still exist … if you are willing to look at the snake and empty your cup ….

Above all else remember that YOU are soooo worth it.

Discussions

I am someone who will go out of my way to speak up when something is not right. I believe it is important to do so and I hope I have taught my children to do the same. I put an equal effort into going out of my way to thank people or to mention when someone has done something right. I believe that is balance.

I have also put an inordinate amount of time into teaching my kids to think critically and responsibly. We discuss situations and people, not with the intent to destroy or run down someone or something .. but for the purpose of understanding. We identify what works and what doesn't. I have taught my children to have informed opinions .. They need to base their opinions on their own experiences and they should questions the sources and the methods of things they read. I have put a lot of effort into having them understand the distinct differences between perceptions, facts and truth (see here).

None of us are perfect. We are all light and dark, black and white, good and bad. It is there within all of us .. given the right circumstances at the right time … we may have and we might … We are always works in progress so we grow and change. Stupid things we may have done once are not neccesarily the things we would do today and it is always important to allow people the chance to grow and change. To that end, you cannot dismiss someone or something because you identify something that you perceive as wrong or bad. Discussing something and being able to say these are the good qualities and these are the bad qualities ..this is balance. I think it is healthy. When we can put things out in the open, and put away our egos and insecurities and not take criticism personally . We grow and learn.

If you listen to me you will hear me sometimes talking about the things I dislike. If you know me well enough you will soon hear me talking about the things I love with regards to the same thing. If you don't know me you may decide I am not being fair in my opinions and I am not aware of the good parts of my subject. Or you may decide I am biased cause I have only talked about the great things. I have lived in different countries. I have travelled. I can tell you what I find good and bad about a lot of different countries and people based on my having lived and worked there, based on my involvement in social issues and international discussions. These are my observations and experiences. I am excited to listen to other people's ideas and experiences. I may question you, I may challenge you and I will listen to you. I find people and life fascinating. For as long as the discussion is open I will put forward my thoughts and ideas. When it is time to go to work … it is time to come to a consensus and do what the group needs done. The debate is over .. there are no winners or losers .. only a decision on how to proceed. Even if I do not agree with that decision … I will do my part as long as doing so does not require me to compromise my personal integrity.

The intent is NEVER to hurt or destroy others or to be unkind. I do hurt others sometimes because I am human and because I may not have known how something would effect them. I, like most of us, do not wake up in the morning and go through a hit list of people I am excited about hurting today ….

There is just one thing I cannot be … not now … not ever … and that is silent.

Email Ettiquette. (when you have hoof and mouth disease from putting your foot in your mouth one too many times)

Recently had a couple of emails gone awry.

Emails are always a problem in that without the visual clues and sound of voice for tone etc .... all things that aid our face to face communication and help us to better understand what is being said ... we tend to read our own insecurities into them. It is also difficult when we don't even know the person who sent the email.

Some quick tips when you get an email that pushes buttons:

Take the tone out of your own voice and head when you read it and see if that makes any difference.

Read the email and reread it. Have someone else read it who is not involved and get their perspective. They may not read the tone into it that you heard.

Make sure you read every word .. when you have to rely on writing … a single word can make all the difference.

If you do not know the person … do not assign them motives and intentions - you have no factual basis to assume the worst.

Always err on the side of caution - don't jump to conclusions.

Remember, particularly in SL, we all come from different cultures and socio-economic backgrounds. We have all worked in different industries and levels of business. Each of these tend to have their own levels of acceptable communication practices. What you may perceive as rude may be their standard business communication - allow for that possibility.

Stick to the business of the email and do not give in to personal attacks because then YOU are the one who has lowered the playing field.

Take a few minutes before responding, then write it out and take a few more minutes before sending your response. Read your response .. how is YOUR tone? The person writing it may not have intended any tone or it was accidental, and now you are purposefully being nasty.

Always consider what your intentions are. If you are trying to do business and build team ... do not reply in anger. If you want to alienate the person and cause drama by all means attack them viciously. I always encourage people to simply ask themselves … "Am I building bridges or blowing them up?"

Good reminders .. we all need to reflect on from time to time … especially me...

When Success is Not Happiness.

I recently read a report that analysed President Obama's speeches. If you remember the hype - people were so excited as he campaigned, comparing him to John Kennedy with his charisma. People expressed how they felt as they listened to him talk and there were even comparisons to Jesus Christ. It was kind of scary. I wondered then that the media never talked about the substance of his speeches of which there was none. He was a brilliant speaker but no-one had any idea what his actual plans were to implement "great change" etc. This was the bent of the analyses I read. It basically said his speeches are inspirational in the moment …. but not memorable.

Substance is that which is lasting. The world is full of flash and tinsel and bling. It is full of famous wealthy, emoty people. You have celebrities who have so much money and fame - who have embraced all the trappings and none of the substance. They create huge barriers between themselves and life - highlighting how important they are on the way up. Eventually they find themselves exactly as they created - alone and miserable and with no-one around them. They weren't particularly nice to their lowly fans and once their lowly fans found out who they really were …. they moved on. These celebrities wanted money and fame and that it what they got .. that is all they got. Money and notoriety are not enough to fill a world void of people or meaningful relationships. You can always find people willing to stand around and tell you what you want to hear, and there are always people hoping to ride your coat-tails but friends of substance who know and care about you and will speak the truth ... those you have to work for.

In many ways it comes down to your intentions. As a speaker, if you intend only to entertain - then having crowds of people fill an auditorium and entertaining them for a few minutes/hours - you have done your job. Whether you inspire, humour, or wow…. you ask for their money and give them a time filled with one or more of those three. It is a momentary distraction. If your intention is to connect with people, change lives, move people to action …. then you must always move beyond that "hour" of "in front of their face time" to what happens when the audience goes home in the days and weeks that follow. Motivation and intention - these are two things that become quite evident in our lives through our actions.

I always remember the series of conventions I was involved with where we presented in different major cities to primarly women. There was a pass for the day event and then a super pass for corporations etc to send their executives that allowed them special seating with many perks, and lunch with the keynote speakers. The speakers were all people who based their celebrity on the fact they cared about people and were offering motivational and inspirtational talks. We all co-operated except for one, who at the last minute, still on his way up, pulled the ultimate prima donna … Dr. Phil. He completely threw the whole event into turmoil when he announced he would only fly in 20 minutes before his talk, give his talk and then fly out - he would not sign autographs or books, meet with any fans, lunch or even acknowledge the VIPs who had shelled out quite a bit for the privilege to do exactly that. Now everyone has the right to be a complete A**-hole but the thing is, had he indicated that in the beginning, he would not have been booked. All of us were bound to the premise of the convention. Many of the attendants went away that day KNOWING that Dr. Phil only cared about the trappings and none of the substance.

In the end, the people who give of themselves, who remember that they are just people, like everyone else, who make their live s about something more than just being famous (whatever the cost) so they can be first in line-ups and get the best table … are the people who find peace. I have never been sure why or how I came to understand this, but even at 18 when I first began speaking in front of significant crowds and press it always bothered me that people would say I should be proud .. It was a great speech/workshop whatever ….I never wanted to be satisfied with accolades. I needed to know that people went home and did something different … that somehow the next day and the one after that .. they would wake up and do something about whatever issue I had talked about. Otherwise, for me, I had failed.

We are not always successful because after all, we are not perfect. There is always room to learn and grow. Obama may have been elected but people are now looking to him for something more … they need him to step up and have a plan. He may grow into his role and be fantastic but either way, it will ultimately be evident who he really is. Just looking at US Presidents and their legacies ....there are those who have come and gone, who the moment they have left office, no-one really bothered with them again. They had their 15 minutes of ultimate fame and the world was happy to forget about them. There are those who are still working to change the world because being President was a calling to them and they still serve. They were not important because they held an important position. They are important because they are good people and are so, even without the title. We know where their hearts are, even though some of them made huge mistakes and were certainly not perfect. We may not even agree with their politics but who a person is and what they do, are not always one and the same. You can dislike someone and still admire what they have done, and you can disagree with what a person has done and still like them.

Who are you? What are your motivations and intentions and what kind of legacy are you building for yourself?

Willing to Work for FREE!!

In this life there are lots of clever people who live their lives taking advantage of the goodness of others. They lie and cheat and misrepresent themselves and their intentions, climbing over people, trying to get to the highest point they can shortcutting hard work by taking what others have done and asking that it be handed over to them just because they asked. If you say no, you are perceived as being a snob. If you say yes, they take weeks, months and maybe years of your hard work and reap all the benefits in a single moment.

People like that come and go in all our lives. We stand in the shambles of their aftermath and wonder why we were so stupid as to have been either kind or helpful. The extra miles we went for them …. never acknowledged. The promises they made to return the favour…. empty. They took all they could, trampled us into the dust and rode off looking for the next victim.

We were their best friends, their lovers, their buddies. Trust them, they pleaded. I have your back. You mean everything to me ….

That lasted 5 minutes.

Now they are saying and doing those same things with their next victim.

You have two choices. Waste your energy looking for justice - trying to make it clear to them how wrong they were OR keep doing what you are doing. People eventually see the truth for what it is and the free loaders get caught. You will arrive there with your integrity intact faster by staying focussed on what you do best and the only thing you have control over - your actions.

Working hard, integrity, creativity, kindness … these are their own rewards. You own what you have done and who you are. These people may steal bits and pieces but they can never own it, they can never be you. Part of why we end up backing certain designers etc, is not just the quality of their work, it is also their heart. Someone may steal their work, but they cannot steal their heart and therefore you can try to sell the exact same dress but it will never be the same. You can steal my photos. You can lie about why you are contacting me and use the time to look around my studio and take my ideas but you walk away with the "clothes" of who I am … not my heart and soul.

These people are always caught out, caught short, caught failing. Without work ethic .. a willingness to pull your own fair load, to do your own homework … you don't get anywhere much. The few places you do slip through to …. you won't be there long.

A Real Friend.

A real friend is someone who, even when they are silent, you still hear him. He is the person with whom time nor distance has no meaning. The events of your life are just circumstances and nothing that happens to either or you ever gets in the way of the bottom line that you love one another.

A friend is someone who sees the beauty marks and the warts and it matters not . They know the dark and the light and they still care. They recognize who you are trying to be and support your efforts, even when you sometimes need to sit it out on the bench.

A friend waits with you through the longest night, and never has to ask if there is something they could do. They are already doing it. They know what you need before you even know yourself.

A friend is someone who cheers for you when something wonderful happens and really means it. They know that sometimes you are too fragile for complete honesty and wait for a better time. They never let you expect less for yourself than the very best. They love you in spite of your best efforts to prove otherwise.

When you are too tired they carry you. When you are stronger they let you carry them. They never take you for granted and every moment spent together is a celebration of life …. even when you are both crying. You often know a friend the moment you meet them … their heart speaks to your heart even before the first hello. You can't let go of a friend, you can't walk away from them, or throw them away because it is a bond that is never broken.

I am always grateful when life reveals that someone is not a friend. It allows me to love them and bless them and move on. It keeps me moving forward. It keeps me safe.

I have many acquaintances, people I spend time with and enjoy. I have lots of pals, and buddies and mates ….but there are few people I call my friend. If this life blesses me with only one … I would be blessed beyond belief. I have been very blessed. I have a friend that I call husband and others that I call child. I have friends that have shared the greater part of my journey and some that have just started … but I have friends. I pray that I may be for them … all that they are for me ...

The Long Road Home To The Heart.

James Bugental states:

"A great deal of the distress which so many people experience may be traced in no small part to our living as exiles from our own homeland, the inner world of subjective experience. Our homeland is within and there we are sovereign. Until we discover that ancient fact anew and uniquely for each of us as an individual, we are condemned to wander, seeking solace where it cannot be found, in the outer world."

I read with sadness a blogpost of yet another person disillusioned with SL and a relationship that did not translate well into RL. I do not know the details of both sides of this one story but it is exemplary of many stories. Two people meet, have a connection, try to move it into RL, find out that the physical reality differs from virtual and accusations of lying and betrayal fly.

All life is a process where the wide eyed innocence of youth is surrendered, taken, or traded in for survival into adulthood. Most of us are forced to take a wide road away from who we really are. As we age, life often brings us face to face with a mirror that speaks to us of our own betrayal of self.

On one of the documentaries about SL shown on television recently a middle aged woman spoke of her experiences with the "game." As she proudly showed her beautiful avatar, she laughed and said "this is what I really should have looked like." I loved that comment because what she was saying is …. "this is who I really am." If we could chose to manifest ourselves as the people we are inside - we would all be incredibly beautiful ... but that it not our choice in RL.

So SL provides that opportunity to present the best of who we are. Many take it. They choose a beautiful or interesting representation of who they are as a person. They allow themselves the chance to love someone - to maybe be a better person than they have been in RL. Is it a lie? Is it hope?

Many take the opportunity to shed the physical realities that have defined them, the circumstances that now someone can look up and assume they know who that person is and what they are about. None of us are the sum total of the mistakes we have made. All of us have done things that we would not like for the whole world to see or know. That is not who we are. The problem is that when we list the mistakes we made we do not list the lessons learned. Few people remain the person who made those mistakes, many grow and move on becoming better people but facts do not always tell the truth.

To have wonderful relationships on SL is amazing and beautiful. They can enrich our lives, fill us with hope, give us wings. Perhaps we err when we insist that moving them into RL be the litmus test of validity. I am not sure ... perhaps the lie is not the virtual at all .. perhaps it is the physical that lies??? Perhaps the relationship someone can have with a person in SL is more real and honest than anything ever done in their life. You can interact without having to offer up the information of your mistakes. Is it wrong to want to find love ... to begin down that road hoping? When you find it .... must you then lay down and bleed and expose everything? At what point should a person do that?

I guess it always comes down to the intent behind whatever the actions were/are …. Can we love one another and move on without needing to nullify the whole relationship and anything good that ever was part of it? Can we love and lose and not need to destroy one another? Can we love on deeper levels and allow it to be what it is without needing to justify it in a way that the world approves of? While the world may insist your virtual love is nothing unless you litmus test it in the real world … is the world there to comfort you all those nights you spend alone? The world is not your friend. Your heart .. Your knowing .. Your inner self … that is where your best friend lies … and the only one you should trust ... Would the woman who shared her pain still be in love with "the most wonderful man" if the world had not imposed its needs into her life? Would it have been enough?

The risk is great - take it to RL and risk losing everything .... take it to RL and maybe have more? I suppose it is a question each couple must ask themselves. I wonder how many actually think of that before buying the plane ticket? Perhaps love is always worth the risk?

The thing is that many of these people are not unbroken, starry-eyed teenagers. They are veterans of life, love and heartbreak. They wear the scars of abandonement and lonliness. I guess I would have felt better if the woman in our story had talked of her pain and was staying... but she isn't. She is beaten by the experience and she is leaving, and I wonder what her chances are now of love? I wonder whether it really was the intent of her "wonderful man" to hurt her or whether he simply risked it all, dared to dream, and fell in love. What if he simply wanted to share the best of who he knew he could be and never believed he would find such happiness? Where does he go now?

After many years of counseling, the one thing I know is that the trials in our lives are often real invitations for us to grow and deepen our connections with one another. As James Bugental so carefully states ... the physical world seldom provides the solace we need ... why then do we put so much stock in its demands???